I woke liberated and stress-free. Though surrounded with chaos; losing my job, eviction, lack of finance, I manage to smile 😊 Why? What else to do other than to take one step at a time? No matter how baby those steps are. Facing reality was a lot harder to disgust than I admitted to myself days ago. I’ve always a had a plan- a go to, when shit hit the fan. When really, I’ve been telling myself a lie until the next paycheck or flop. I am not perfect nor is life. As much as I would love to be on top of handling the responsibilities presented to me with calm and assurance. The truth is there are and will continue to be days where I can’t manage what is handed to me. For the longest facing this truth stunned me. It was a life-threatening fact I couldn’t stomach. That was then.

I stepped out of my comfort zone and into the unknown. I am terrified as shit. Daily, I pray, mostly to have someone to vent to about my uncertainties. But, I have accepted all my flaws and shortcomings and now my perspective on life is vast.

I can’t continue to live in the dark, though, the pitch comforts me. It’s a familiar sadness that comes and goes at the will of my own doubts. Unhealthy all around. I don’t want to say that I am starting over because the past that repeats will continue its bitter cycle. My words seem to bite me on ass, sometimes. So, not going to announce anything until it has occurred. Sorry. I’m paranoid like that. This post will be vague and I hope that my intentions are understood. If not, you will know once I do for sure 😘😄

Writing has picked up. Now days my time is focused on shorts, I plan to submit for Halloween. Most my stories normally end in a horrific death 😉 Halloweenish, no? My WIP novel, Tellus, barely breaths life. Honestly, I’m stomp writing a sexy domination/transformation scene, which is the turning point for one of the MC’s. It’s driving me 😭😖😵

On a 🌧note, I started back taking pictures of my neighborhood. Always a plus because I get to take a nice walk too. Okay. I do love it when it storms, but that day was the first I walked in it. It was great! My daughter had a blast splashing in the puddles. So did our panda bear. We don’t go out much because of our allegories therefore it was a pleasant change of pace. If you would like to see the rest of the pictures from that day feel free to check out my Instagram page. If you like what you see, follow! And I’ll follow right back ☺👍

Mommy Moment 👶

My kids are awesome. I’m sure every mother believes their children are amazing, but I KNOW mine are awesome. I am blessed to have them in my life, but even more grateful for their honesty and the love they have for me. Literally as I am typing this post, I see my son, bashful and…naked from the corner of my eye.  He’s standing in my doorframe with his hands over his privates, whispering. Bedtime, my family sleep in the nude with the rule they are clothed before leaving their room. Alarmed why he was not clothed, at the least the lower half, I paused my iHeartRadio playlist then asked him to repeat. He mumbled, shyly then spoke loud enough that I understood he was embarrassed.

“What’s wrong with you?”

He sighed. “I farted then popped my underwear.”

I laughed. “Nice. You need help cleaning up?”

“Nope. I did it, just wanted to let you know.”

 

I rarely get on Facebook and when I do skim the pages I liked, I’m off within a few minutes. But when I do get on every now and then I come across and old classmates post. Many talk about their accomplishments. Their reason for living and striving for a better life. Our goals are quite similar, honestly. The only thing that separates me from them is that they have accomplished what they said they would. Jealousy is not the feeling. I am disappointed in myself. I let life’s’ obstacles break me when it was nothing more than test. I am not that religious, but I do believe in God and the evil that comes forth when someone succumbs to Satan’s temptation. There is evil and good in this world that cannot be explained by modern science. The trials we experience are trials to determine what type person of we will become. The purpose of life is to keep moving forward, keep trying to be that person. It’ my way of moving on. However, I haven’t been moving on. I am horrified of the world. I have one more year until I graduate with my bachelors in creative writing and graphic design and I withdrew because of fear. I dread the rejections and criticism. Thinking about it quickens my pulse. I’m very nervous. But, I’m not getting younger and I feel awful telling my children to reach for their dream jobs if I don’t at least try to pursue my own.  I want to at least give it a try. The whole nine yards. If it becomes a hindrance and cause my family grief then I will put it on hold, until then I’m ready to own the rest of 2017 🎊

Hello is way overdue. I have been M.I.A from all social media. My life has turned on its backside and there’s no one to blame but myself. The depression that jackets me has shriveled to a wind breaker but it is still here. Still thriving off my failures. I am not like most. I think my kind is considered one of few. Simply put, I overthink, a lot. My comfort is drifting in the pitch of conscious between fantasy and reality. It’s where most my stories thrive from.  I find myself processing a situation from both sides of a disagreement. At the end, I experience an arrayed of emotions, which is quite interesting. In a way, I view my life as if I’m writing it.

There is no wrong without right. No good without evil. We all live our lives believing we are doing what’s right. Some have proof of their endeavors and others… others like myself, have only hollow words. Please do not pity me. I am aware if my actions. I am aware of what is keeping from being happy. It’s almost like I’ve been living in my own nightmare. Sometime last week, I received a call from my father. Terrible news amongst others. My step brother was murdered— shot at a local convenience store. Although, I am not close to my step-brother it me hard knowing that another member of my family has been killed by petty violence— in this case a heated dispute. I raise my children to defend themselves, to stand up against bullies, but now I am not sure. Our world is changing. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from, if you give into temptations in that nature nothing moral will come from it. Its petrifying but it has yet again open my eyes that life is fleeting and what have I done with mine? I am not saying that everything I have done so far is a waste; I could have done so more. I COULD have. But I DIDN’T. I let fear bind and comfort me, but I need to go forward. Its’s always easier said than done. I am living proof of that haha. But it is human error and unfortunately that is one of the ways that we learn. My focus comes and goes. Some days I can write pages and others not even a sentence. I’m starting to wonder if it is my depression or that I am simply bored. Apparently, I have been thinking a lot. Thinking helps when days are unbearable— that and talking to myself. Yeah, not aloud but silently in my thoughts. Another way to escape, I’m sure. When you know your flaws that means your one step closer to happiness, right? It should because that’s how I’m taking it. 😎😁

BLIND Awareness 

​I woke up on January fifth feeling blah and with a sense that it was just an ordinary day.  Yet a painful sorrow cloaked me and I felt a guilt I never felt before. On here.  My blog.  The place I created to express myself and share the ups and downs about my life and ambitions. It’s hard telling people I will probably never meet about my struggles.  I’m sure every writer feels that insecurity that their piece is not good enough for others to see.  I think about it every day.  In fact it’s what kept me from moving forward. Always hiding and pretending.  That’s the hard part, keeping up with the lies I told myself.  Well, after what seemed like an eternity two days of sulking in my own misery; another one of life’s little face palms✋smacked me right in the middle of my forehead. Yeah,  I typed forehead.  I was reminded yet again that I am meant to make mistakes.  But I’m also capable of learning from those mistakes and becoming a better person. That’s the part I failed to comprehend for years.  Even now I’m still a little unsure. Yet, a part of me believes that’s how I’m supposed to feel. I’m aware and that’s the important thing. I’m aware on how I got where I am today. What choices I made that influenced the woman I am inspiring to become. My cocoon is finally hatching. Not going to lie it’s a bubbling excitement brewing inside me the more I find out about myself.  Took me a long enough, huh? 😕

Naw. I would disagree. I’ve learned at the pace I convinced myself that I needed to take.  Everyone has a different pace.  As the new year rolled in and another birthday past, I say hello Samara.  Nice to finally meet you.  Oh, and happy 27th BIRTHDAY!  🎂

I’m not making new year resolutions. I knew from the start what I needed to do.  I believe we all do.  Sometimes it’s buried deep in our subconscious with the reasons we tell ourselves why we can’t.  I’m just going to be honest. With myself. With my family and friends. With life.  I think it makes life a little more interesting and less stressful.  Plus it’s a great opportunity to drop the negative influences who thrived on my insecurities. Isn’t that a win-win?  😉👍

Happy New Year Everyone 🎆 And remember 

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

Bernard M. Baruch

Not sure if this is appropriate but I have a little humor for ya. 

Husband and wife takes a shower together like they have done many times before. For the first time the wife gets out the shower before the husband and he says to her as she wraps the towel around her frame. “You’re done?” 

“Yup,” she says with a smirk. “You let me stay in the water long enough to wash and rinse.” 

“Oh. I feel like a woman now,” the husband says as the soap slips from his hands. He reaches down to pick it up to finish his wash and his wife jest.  

“And then you drop the soap.” 

​This was one of the worst Christmas’s emotionally for me. I fucked up. I let my feelings burrow into my heart and shut down all other reason. I was in awful funk. Depressed doesn’t feel like the right word. So as I am slowly crawling out of the muck,  I’ve decided to change myself socially. 

Last month I downloaded a diary app. Honestly,  I felt it was going to be one of the many projects I never really complete. Surprisingly,  it didn’t come out the way I , which is pretty damn awesome. Sometimes after I type a post, I’ll go back and read the previous. It’s strange remembering the feelings I’ve felt days prior. But they are there. Vivid and fresh. Since I downloaded the app, most posts painted a mentally broke and confused woman. Nothing but truth. Depressing but not in a pitiful way, more like a revelation. So, instead of new year goals,  I’m just going to walk forward. Blindly, because the future is a blank canvas and what I do in the now is my paint brush. And the work of art displayed after many days and years have passed will be beautifully hung. The  only difference 2017 will be hung over all the other years with an incredible shine. This is my year… no… so cliché. I will make this my year. I am going to make this my year. Happy New Years everyone. May your year be filled with more positive than negative. 🍻

Cheer Up…  How? 

​As the cold fingers of depression sunk their nails into my already worn mind,  I’ve noticed my lack of interest of everyday enjoyment,  priorities need to be kept and my own ambiguous goals. You would think with this awareness I would’ve counter this in some way. I’ve tried. Many times. I’ve switched up my routine,  thinking the change would halt the dark hole stretching it’s way toward me. Well, it doesn’t. And these past months have proven so. What I have learned that my cycle of guilt normally  fruit when a certain situation arise. A certain someone so dear to me that their pain is my own. When I talk about it to my parents, my mother doesn’t understand amongst the other 85% of my family. Hell, I don’t either. All I know is what I feel. And that feeling has always grown when I’m embraced by icy hands. This go around, I let it all sink in and somehow observed like I’ve astral projected.  I’ve noticed the cause and the guilt weighing down on me. Either I could change, although I’d liked to. It comes with life. So, I tell myself 😒

Now how to move on knowing that the will of others close will and have an impact on me physically,  emotionally, and mentally. Hmmm… 

As I read over my own thoughts, I say to myself is this for real? Yes it is. And it is just a part of me that’ll I have to embrace. Easier said than done. 

That’s my internal conflict.  Do you have any inner battles you’re comfortable sharing?  If so,  post in the comments below. Don’t be shy! I’m not that crazy 😉

Keep This Between Us😉

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😱 woah,  so I’m not the only one? 🙌😁😂

Unconditional 

​Bubba is so awesome. I’m so proud and honored to be his mother. Compared to most children his age,  he is considered behind— socially,  that is. But when you a hold conversation to his interest and I’m not talking about just video games, I’m sure the surprise feeling of astonishment will wash over you as does it me each discussion. His love for science out reaches any hobby or interest I have seen most claim to be their ambition. We talked for five minutes and I learned more about  supernovas,  black holes,  nebulas and how to measure the milky way from earth than I can remember learning from school. His grin enlightens me and warms my heart to see him excited. These are the moments that makes parenting indescribable. It makes working doubles or picking up extra shifts even more plausible. Because now I’m excited to see how far this little sprout can grow. I’m sure the greenhouse in which I’m sheltering him and the nutrients that he’s fed will play a major role in his growth. But in this world,  if I want to see my seedling grow into a mighty oak, I will need to do a lot more than supporting him with encouraging kind words. He’s going to need guidance and to guide, I must lay the pathway with my actions. I couldn’t be more thrilled to walk this journey. 

Whispers From the Heart

​In dream my questions are answered 

My worries are our alive. 

Life is painted in vivid illumination- surrounded by the pitch of night. 

Cold hands caress me instance after entrance into a drowning silence of darkness

my body floats 

My mind bend free. 

I closed my eyes. 

The tumbler of my conscious unlocks and the restraint unbolts. 

Limb and vulnerable 

Exposed, yet shielded

Here in the pitch of night is where I am most welcome. 

For a breath, I wait and then slowly they visit from all sides 

 In hush tones, they call out to; 

Some remind me of deeds undone 

Some of mistakes meant to learn

Some of hopes meant to accomplish 

But all with a voice calm and sharp. 

Whispers of the heart. 

My heart. 

Do you believe in whispers? 

The sweet nothings. 

The warmth of breath on your ear. 

I do

Love

Love goes beyond the words I love you.
Beyond the intimate embrace.
Love is life entwined through sacrifices and trails of understanding.