I had an “episode”, which I normally explain as me procrastinating or becoming uninterested in the things I normally love or NEED to do I.E. writing or going to work.
This episode is a reappearance cycle where I am trapped in a corridor of darkness and sorrow. Not interested in my everyday routine, not able to stay focus. The only thing constant on my mind is the drumming silence and the voice in my head telling me, “I’m worthless.” That is a brief window of the insanity that is my thoughts. It happens at least two weeks out of a moth. And that is the minimum. This time, the cycle was darker, colder, and filled with an unbearable sadness and guilt that broke down all reasons and sent me cuddling within my own mind.
This time, I sought help.
This time, I vowed to not let the emptiness and guilt of a past, not really remember, chain me.
This time, I wanted answers to why I am always feeling this way.
I’ve mentioned briefly about the melodrama that occurs within family, my own struggles and my goals. I talked about my procrastination and the constant drifting between projects and finding what my purpose is in life. Would you believe me if I told you that This is my norm for over ten years? Every day I will wake up asking myself is this what I want? Is this how my life should be? Of course the answer is usually no, and then a revelation, “we have our precious little ones. We can’t waste time twiddling our fingers.” But even my children, how beautiful and motivational they are, could not release from the funk of the cycle.
Who is the We, I speak of?
No one other than myself.
Yes, in a way you can say that I have gone mad. I resorted to creating a fictional character to cope with the distance and loneliness I feel of being misunderstood. Yes, for years no one I knew or grew up with could truly empathize with my thoughts. Of course, they were kind and showed sympathy. But in reality, who really knew me other than myself? A lot can say someone who experienced and shared your troubles, pain, and joy would understand who you are, sometimes better than you can.
True. I have a best friend; I love. A boyfriend (Jackson been demoted hehe); I love and they know me…
Often there are times I feel they don’t understand what makes me… ME.
So yes, I created a persona, I knew would.
I’m not sure why, but I would like to think the pressure of life was weighing deeply on my mind. I’m still not sure what I WANT to do. Or rather what I want to do is not permitted in the world we currently live in. To be comfortable in our world the only way is to work hard. That is why perseverance is wonderful. It’s kind of like a miracle. We don’t expect anything big to happen, yet we keep going forward with the only thought to live for a better tomorrow. But what a lot of people don’t know it is because of that determination that miracles happen. So, although I want to live a life in peace doing nothing but writing and playing Sims 4, I have to get my hands dirty and work for that lifestyle. But so far the only thing I truly worked on is burying a past and forging a future I thought was possible with shortcuts. *sighs heavily*
Today, I admitting to myself that I do have a problem. One that has thwart my advances of improvement over and over in a course of ten years plus. One I’m finally ready to overcome.
On August 2, 2016 I went to a mental clinic and saw a counselor for the first time in my life. Overwhelming, yes. Terrifying, not really. Nervous, hell yes. Asking for help is a lot harder when you’re not sure why you need help. Luckily, the nice folks at the clinic have helped many people in my situation.
I sat down in front of a counselor who was evaluating me he had one object: to determine if I really needed assistance.
I had one thought: Tell me I’m not crazy and I’m one of those people who are looking for an easy check.
First question on the agenda, “How was your childhood?”
Before I answered, I remembered what my father said, “Be honest, they can only help you when you’re honest.”
So I was honest and I told the counselor, as succinct as possible, my childhood and the important years that followed.
By this point his eyes were teary, but I can tell he was holding back or very good at his job. “You are strong,” He tells me. “You spent most of your life, trying to hold everything together. I commend you, Samara. But you have too much on your plate.”
In thought: Yes. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing.
Tears rolled nonstop while in thought and I found myself finally understanding why people cried under those situations. There are no words to describe, just that it felt good to finally be understood. That someone beside the me in my mind, understood the meals of responsibility I made on a daily basis to feed my family.
Again, the counselor was the one to determine if I needed help or if this was part of life and all I needed was walk forward. He set me up with a psychiatrist the following day, the first appointment. The psychiatrist wasn’t as emotional as the counselor, but she did agree with him. I’m depressed. Extremely depressed- have been for many years. She talked about the type of depression and ways to treat it. She also prescribed some medication that is supposed to bring back my energy and focus, among others. She also advised me to combine therapy and medication, because it is considered the best treatment.
So my first step wasn’t that bad. I’m already taking the medicine. I haven’t really seen a difference, but then again she said it can take up to two-six weeks before I do. I took the time to look up my diagonosis and found this article on webmd:
A constant sense of hopelessness and despair is a sign you may have major depression, also known as clinical depression.
With major depression, it may be difficult to work, study, sleep, eat, and enjoy friends and activities. Some people have clinical depression only once in their life, while others have it several times in a lifetime
Most people feel sad or low at some point in their lives. But clinical depression is marked by a depressed mood most of the day, sometimes particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships — symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the DSM-5 — a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions — you may have other symptoms with major depression. Those symptoms might include:
Fatigueor loss of energy almost every day
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
Insomniaor hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be indicated by reports from significant others)
Restlessness or feeling slowed down
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
Significant weight lossor gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month)