The Real #hw2

In my last post I spoke briefly about my new challenge after declaring to start over.

I wanted to decompose a little more if you would hear me out.

I’m sure what’s on everyone thoughts are when will this woman learn or at least move on.

For your answer and my own, I have this to say:

I am a fighter. I don’t give up so easily as much as I procrastinate. The truth is I loathed the fact that I succumbed to my own fears and dawdled for this long. It taunted me more often than I like, yet I found comfort in its toxic embrace.

The cycle of Failure. It’s when you only do what is necessary to scrape by.

It’s intentional in a way—for me at least.

I had some sort awareness of what the consequences of my actions was and still chose the latter. Like I mentioned before, I overthink every scenario. The variable emerged at least once and I tossed it to the side, paranoid and afraid. I didn’t want it to end it played in my head. Yet it had, many times.

Luck has never been in my favor and yet I depended on it. There’s nothing wrong with having faith and hope. I believe in both religiously.  What I’ve done was more on the lines of a child trapped in their own whimsical reverie. Believing my life will turn the way I envision by wishing hard enough that someday it will come true. However, reality tells a different story. Dreams come true with effort, which usually pays off in the long haul. There’s slim pickin’ for handouts and if you ride it too long, you’ll eventually get bucked.  I’m not ashamed to admit my faults, I’m finally at the point where I’m frustrated and tired. This time at my own bullshit.

I wished to find the real me, because I felt like I didn’t know enough. For reasons I can’t explain, a part of me knew I was hiding something. And I was right.

I’ve always relied on someone and / or luck to help me out of difficult times. I know its time change that mindset. I know where I failed, now I’m ready to rely on myself.

Here’s to the official day 2 post of hard work—Realization.


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