Entry # 1
Recently I got entangled into my parent affairs. My dad feels, or I believe he feels with the subliminal messages, that his time on earth is coming to an end. He is only forty-nine, but he has been going through a lot. I didn’t ask to be brought into their business. I’m just the first person that is called. Always has been.
At a very young age, I had to step up and become the mother in my sibling’s life. As the oldest, at that time, I didn’t think much to it. I underestimated what it takes to be a good mother. I wasn’t prepared. And why should I? I was still in elementary. When it came down to it , I wasn’t a good mother to my sister and brother. I couldn’t help my brother when my grandmother tossed him out. Couldn’t help my sister when she went through the bittersweet relationship with her ex. Even now, I am still trying to pretend to be mother, with two kids of my own. It’s hard and I know I cant control what others do. But I don’t want my family to end how I envisioned it many years ago.
I grew up poor. Today, I still struggle but I am making it one step at a time. It takes a lot out of a person when the realization hits that your family isn’t what you thought they were. It hurts. The pain twists at my heart, curdles my insides, and pounds at my head. It hurts. But I know stressing will not solve anything. I know stressing over others will only lead me down a dark path. I try to lead a life that I will be proud of. I want my children to grow with knowledge and understand that although momma can be strict, she is strict because she loves them. I want them to grow knowing that they have people who are there for them.
To put it simply, I don’t want them growing up the way I had to.
Tonight, I said an awful thing to my mother out of anger. Anger for her making me believe that I had to raise my two siblings while she was “out”. Anger for her walking back in my life like nothing ever happened. Anger for her not realizing that after all these years, she’s still causing us pain. And anger that I feel like she doesn’t care about anyone but herself.
It’s hard to be a mother when I don’t even know how a mother is supposed to be. Why cant she understand that?
But if there’s one thing that I’ve learned over the years of struggling. That although life hands me more bad apples than I like, I know there’s always going to be good one. I’ll just have to keep picking until I find it.
This is my vent.