Every night I think about my day.
I think about what I’ve accomplished.
What I failed.
And in the morning, those same thoughts greet me, reminding me.
I’m not a failure.
My boyfriend and I have our ups and downs like any couple. We’ve been together going on six years in October. This piece was written two years ago. Reading it brought back bittersweet memories. We have grown tremendously since 2015.
The distance between us has grown. This future we try so desperately to build is nothing but a scam created by our futile imagination at the height of our relationship. We’re grasping for the little strands of hope that’s left scattered on the wooden floor from one of our many derange bickering.
What are we doing here?
Are we salvaging from the shattered mirror of what’s supposed to be our life? Or have we jumped from the illusion and now scurrying to our own ideal dreams?
Either way, it’s obvious. The love we’ve grown is as thin as ice. And on the surface engraved is our footprints side by side, faintly noticeable. But our footprints are just that. Memories of what was. If we don’t do something fast then the thumping of our accord would stop, but the hole left from its dance will be bottomless that our scars will be too excruciating to reminisce.
I hope everyone is enjoying there day. I am. I switched up my routine, branched out, shook things up. Been closed in all the time can drive a person (Yup, I was getting there 😆) So, today we agreed to go to our local library.
The past twenty-four hours have been a blast. Ate out at our local Freddy’s last night. First time for some 😆 🍟🍔
Today I strolled with my dad downtown. We reminisced about my younger days and he expressed how much he wants our family to be tighter. His kool-aid grin made me elated. I haven’t seen my dad this refreshed in a while. I saw my dad for what he has grown to be and it broke my heart that I didn’t see it before. The bodyguard and hustler that protected and provided for me is growing sick. He’s slowly succumbing to the many years of hardworking , drinking, and cigarettes. He has to use a cane now and I noticed it pains him to walk long. He walked with me for over an hour. He’s so strong willed that he doesn’t want us to worry about him. He’s always trying to provide even when he has nothing. I feel awful because my dad needs me and I can’t help him the way I want to. My mistakes dug me in a hole and when I finally climbed out, I lost the possessions that was unnecessary. I was reminded once again of what’s important to me. My dad endured the pain of walking because he missed quality time with me. Thinking back at today brings me to tears. It made me realize how much time I lost and my purpose— My family.
Quite honored to post the achievements on tonight endeavors. I have finally completed the first draft of two shorts and I’m ninety thousand words into Tellus 🎉 To celebrate these glorious accomplishments, I’m sharing a snippet from my recently completed first draft, Craving Candy.
Lana leaned over the railing, a cigarette lodge between her fingers and a smartphone in her other hand. Her apron was scrunched on the handle bar, revealing her low-cut skirt and a tattoo of a cartoon dazed snake, ingesting small multicolored pills. She scrolled the page of a website with a midnight background and came across an image of a girl wearing a violet and cyan lingerie with the username Craving Candy. The girl was barely of age and yet she gripped on the bloody whip like a dominatrix. On another photo, she was crawled on top of a dismembered man with blood splattered on her face. She chuckled. “Should have edited that one more.”
Lana was half way through her cigarette when she received an incoming call. She answered through her Bluetooth. “Lana, here.”
On the other line a girl sniffled then with a shaky voice she spoke, “Hey, what you doing?”
“On break.” Lana exhaled a cloud of tobacco then took her gaze to the moon. The girl heaved a cough and Lana winced. “What do you want?” She took another hit from her cigarette, watching the fire burn toward her fingers.
“Come back home. Mom said she’ll forgive you.”
Lana averted her attention to her phone. She clicked the comment section under an image of a promiscuous girl. She read some of the responses. They were either from women marauding on the same gender. Or men who thought of sex as an experiment of finding oneself. Lana curled a smiled to one user. She tapped his profile and it expanded in another window. She pushed herself off the railing, turned then leaned against it. “I told you, I’m working. Plus, I told mom, I needed to settle it myself. Not to mention, I wasn’t looking for her forgiveness.”
As always don’t be shy in the comments. I love to hear from you ☺
I woke liberated and stress-free. Though surrounded with chaos; losing my job, eviction, lack of finance, I manage to smile 😊 Why? What else to do other than to take one step at a time? No matter how baby those steps are. Facing reality was a lot harder to disgust than I admitted to myself days ago. I’ve always a had a plan- a go to, when shit hit the fan. When really, I’ve been telling myself a lie until the next paycheck or flop. I am not perfect nor is life. As much as I would love to be on top of handling the responsibilities presented to me with calm and assurance. The truth is there are and will continue to be days where I can’t manage what is handed to me. For the longest facing this truth stunned me. It was a life-threatening fact I couldn’t stomach. That was then.
I stepped out of my comfort zone and into the unknown. I am terrified as shit. Daily, I pray, mostly to have someone to vent to about my uncertainties. But, I have accepted all my flaws and shortcomings and now my perspective on life is vast.
I can’t continue to live in the dark, though, the pitch comforts me. It’s a familiar sadness that comes and goes at the will of my own doubts. Unhealthy all around. I don’t want to say that I am starting over because the past that repeats will continue its bitter cycle. My words seem to bite me on ass, sometimes. So, not going to announce anything until it has occurred. Sorry. I’m paranoid like that. This post will be vague and I hope that my intentions are understood. If not, you will know once I do for sure 😘😄
Writing has picked up. Now days my time is focused on shorts, I plan to submit for Halloween. Most my stories normally end in a horrific death 😉 Halloweenish, no? My WIP novel, Tellus, barely breaths life. Honestly, I’m stomp writing a sexy domination/transformation scene, which is the turning point for one of the MC’s. It’s driving me 😭😖😵
On a 🌧note, I started back taking pictures of my neighborhood. Always a plus because I get to take a nice walk too. Okay. I do love it when it storms, but that day was the first I walked in it. It was great! My daughter had a blast splashing in the puddles. So did our panda bear. We don’t go out much because of our allegories therefore it was a pleasant change of pace. If you would like to see the rest of the pictures from that day feel free to check out my Instagram page. If you like what you see, follow! And I’ll follow right back ☺👍
Mommy Moment 👶
My kids are awesome. I’m sure every mother believes their children are amazing, but I KNOW mine are awesome. I am blessed to have them in my life, but even more grateful for their honesty and the love they have for me. Literally as I am typing this post, I see my son, bashful and…naked from the corner of my eye. He’s standing in my doorframe with his hands over his privates, whispering. Bedtime, my family sleep in the nude with the rule they are clothed before leaving their room. Alarmed why he was not clothed, at the least the lower half, I paused my iHeartRadio playlist then asked him to repeat. He mumbled, shyly then spoke loud enough that I understood he was embarrassed.
“What’s wrong with you?”
He sighed. “I farted then popped my underwear.”
I laughed. “Nice. You need help cleaning up?”
“Nope. I did it, just wanted to let you know.”
I rarely get on Facebook and when I do skim the pages I liked, I’m off within a few minutes. But when I do get on every now and then I come across and old classmates post. Many talk about their accomplishments. Their reason for living and striving for a better life. Our goals are quite similar, honestly. The only thing that separates me from them is that they have accomplished what they said they would. Jealousy is not the feeling. I am disappointed in myself. I let life’s’ obstacles break me when it was nothing more than test. I am not that religious, but I do believe in God and the evil that comes forth when someone succumbs to Satan’s temptation. There is evil and good in this world that cannot be explained by modern science. The trials we experience are trials to determine what type person of we will become. The purpose of life is to keep moving forward, keep trying to be that person. It’ my way of moving on. However, I haven’t been moving on. I am horrified of the world. I have one more year until I graduate with my bachelors in creative writing and graphic design and I withdrew because of fear. I dread the rejections and criticism. Thinking about it quickens my pulse. I’m very nervous. But, I’m not getting younger and I feel awful telling my children to reach for their dream jobs if I don’t at least try to pursue my own. I want to at least give it a try. The whole nine yards. If it becomes a hindrance and cause my family grief then I will put it on hold, until then I’m ready to own the rest of 2017 🎊
Hello is way overdue. I have been M.I.A from all social media. My life has turned on its backside and there’s no one to blame but myself. The depression that jackets me has shriveled to a wind breaker but it is still here. Still thriving off my failures. I am not like most. I think my kind is considered one of few. Simply put, I overthink, a lot. My comfort is drifting in the pitch of conscious between fantasy and reality. It’s where most my stories thrive from. I find myself processing a situation from both sides of a disagreement. At the end, I experience an arrayed of emotions, which is quite interesting. In a way, I view my life as if I’m writing it.
There is no wrong without right. No good without evil. We all live our lives believing we are doing what’s right. Some have proof of their endeavors and others… others like myself, have only hollow words. Please do not pity me. I am aware if my actions. I am aware of what is keeping from being happy. It’s almost like I’ve been living in my own nightmare. Sometime last week, I received a call from my father. Terrible news amongst others. My step brother was murdered— shot at a local convenience store. Although, I am not close to my step-brother it me hard knowing that another member of my family has been killed by petty violence— in this case a heated dispute. I raise my children to defend themselves, to stand up against bullies, but now I am not sure. Our world is changing. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from, if you give into temptations in that nature nothing moral will come from it. Its petrifying but it has yet again open my eyes that life is fleeting and what have I done with mine? I am not saying that everything I have done so far is a waste; I could have done so more. I COULD have. But I DIDN’T. I let fear bind and comfort me, but I need to go forward. Its’s always easier said than done. I am living proof of that haha. But it is human error and unfortunately that is one of the ways that we learn. My focus comes and goes. Some days I can write pages and others not even a sentence. I’m starting to wonder if it is my depression or that I am simply bored. Apparently, I have been thinking a lot. Thinking helps when days are unbearable— that and talking to myself. Yeah, not aloud but silently in my thoughts. Another way to escape, I’m sure. When you know your flaws that means your one step closer to happiness, right? It should because that’s how I’m taking it. 😎😁